Finding yourself

I always had a hard time finding my true self. Being raised in a multicultural family. Having homes in multiple countries and having lived for extended periods in multiple countries, I always felt lost. The taboos in one country were sometimes the opposite in the other.

And the rules in one home were different than the other.

The way to be, the way I spoke, the way I was, changed with every language, and in every school.

I felt like I was constantly having to change.

In recent years, I questioned who I truly was, and wondered whether or not I was being fake, because I was having to change so much.

I never tried to act differently, but somehow was different in each environment.

I realized that my strength now, actually developed because of those changes.

I was able to observe more of the world, and how each society functioned, its benefits and downfalls.

For example, in Russia, it’s a common thing for rules to be so strict, and for them to be obeyed. Parenting styles are understanding yet very strict.

In Turkey, there are many more taboos, that you simply don’t do certain things because you are raised to be more self-conscious. Parents communicate more on an emotional level than simply telling you yes or no.

In America, it’s very lenient. Parenting styles are less communicative but more easygoing in some ways. There is more room to make mistakes and individually learn from them. Of course, it’s different for every family, but from what I’ve gathered, this was the style here.

So, my entire childhood I grew up sorta confused, once I hit my teens and began to question who I was, anyway.

Here are some things I found helpful to find ease, in tuning in with myself.

I found that regardless of language, country, or rules, I had the same morals. Same ethics. Same discipline. Sameness in what I considered right or wrong.

I observed and analyzed every situation before making decisions that would reflect me.

Because of my strong morals, I found it easier to be me. To stand up for myself. And to stand by my words and actions.

Our fears of being judged by the exterior, whether it be our own family or the general society, hold us back so much. And that’s why we come across some people who shy away from connections.

I also found that having hobbies, the things I never stopped doing because I found so much joy in them; like rollerblading, painting, or martial arts is a way to have a sense of self. I never stopped doing them because someone made a negative comment about my interests or degraded me. I’ve heard many times, ‘‘You aren’t a boy, you’re not supposed to do martial arts’’. ‘‘I want my son to learn martial arts from a man’’. Or ‘‘Rollerblading is too dangerous and a waste of time’’. I could have listened, and if I lived according to other people’s judgments, I would have quit those things early on, but I just didn’t care.

Now, I am successful because of those interests, and having never quit, I feel so strong, that I know myself, and I don’t need your opinion of me unless I want to make the change and ask.

So finding yourself begins with what you find joy in doing. What fuels your spirit? What gives you passion?

What drives you to move quickly? What do you do without complaining?

I’m a strong believer in purpose. And from an early age, we all know our purpose. It’s inside the things that we enjoy to do. And as adults, we use those skills to find a fitting job. Many that feel lost are often led away from their passions. Or never got to experience them because of unfortunate events. Or unsupportive parents.

Speaking of parents, I’d like to mention my mom for being my absolute best friend. She was a single mom, and raised me to be the best of me I could be. Oftentimes she would ask me deeper questions to make me think of what I valued or didn’t. She helped me by supporting my character. By caressing my spirit, she built a very good foundation in me to always have my own back and to stand up for what I thought was right. She would call me sweet, caring, and inspiring names. She would often joke with me and taught me not to take a lot of words too seriously. She taught me a way to think, a way to be reasonable, understanding, and patient. She taught me faith when I was lost. She taught me love when I was lonely. And most importantly, she always supported the things I was passionate about.

For example, she realized I loved music, so she signed me up for piano classes. Then she found out I had a love for drawing, so instead of having me come home and do nothing, she made me take painting classes.

I loved sports so she always allowed me to go out and participate in every sport I wanted to try. She signed me up for taekwondo lessons when I was getting in too many fights; because her approach was that if I was doing something, I should do it well.

You’d constantly find the two of us shopping in Michael’s because I loved projects. And she would make sure to do my projects with me. Often adding more of her creativity to mine, and guess what? I always had the best projects prepared in school.

Even during times when I couldn’t love myself, she would highlight the things I was good at and encourage me to keep trying.

I hope I was able to explain how much parenting affects us children. That some of us may not have been as fortunate, but as adults now, we can be the parents we didn’t have for ourselves. Or for our kids, we could be the best parents acknowledging these things.

Lastly, I want to emphasize that even if you do everything you can for a child, they might still end up ungrateful or lazy if they have everything handed to them. My own childhood wasn't without its challenges, but my mother did an excellent job of keeping me disciplined. She allowed me to be independent from a young age, starting with small things and gradually building up to bigger responsibilities. She instilled in me the belief that settling for average was never enough, and put enough pressure on me to push myself to do better. I used to complain when I brought home scores of 100 on my tests, and my mom would ask where the 110 was. I used to laugh and think it was impossible, and I'd complain that nothing was ever good enough for her. But now, I hold myself to incredibly high standards and feel guilty if I don't give 110% to everything I do. We need more driven and passionate people in our society - people who refuse to settle for mediocrity. This is the only way we can create real change.