Hear more than what you hear

What is the best way to respond to hurtful statements during an argument? How can one communicate effectively with children and make them feel heard? How can one approach relationships with empathy and understanding?

Should you try to hear more than what a person speaks, or should you respect yourself and respond to what they say?

You know when you get in a heated argument with someone, and they say hurtful things they don’t mean. Should you try to look in more and understand where their hurt is coming from? Or should you just respond, assuming they are fully capable of explaining the situation or expressing themselves?

Well, yesterday I discovered something. Most times kids don’t learn how to express themselves - they learn to repress themselves because of their experiences of not feeling heard.

To avoid this, here are a few things those communicating with them could try.

You can try to say things calmer, and in a way where you reassure them that you took into account what they said and felt.

Start your response with ‘‘Oh I see, okay, I see where you’re coming from. I also wanted to explain to you, that what I’ve learned, is that when I do this …. this happens’’ etc.

You see how you calm the nerves of the other person, tell them you understood them, that you’re not just replying to reply, or you’re not attacking them, and instead you just wanted to share your insights with them and hope they used that to their advantage.

In this way, without attacking them, you’re letting them know that you’re a safe space, and allowing them to admire the fact that speaking out and communicating isn’t terrible, and won’t always result in arguments.

Sometimes you have to go as far as to let them learn the lesson for themselves by watching them fall.

For example, you tell your kid to clean up all the time, but they don’t, and you just stop nagging and instead allow them to continue playing in the area where they made the mess, surely, they‘ll trip over something and fall. And that’s when you’ll come in - full of empathy, and say to them: Aw my baby, See, I didn’t want you to get hurt, now you see why we have to clean up the mess we make? To save ourselves from a future injury?’’ And boom. Instead of cradling your baby when they get hurt, talk them through it. Tell them ‘‘let me check, okay you’re not bleeding, it’s not broken, so it just hurts. I know it hurts for now but this is a mild level of pain, these kinds of pains are something we don’t have to cry about, we have to get used to’’

I know parenting isn’t as simple as this. However, remaining empathetic, and having the support, healthy protection, and being a guider a child can admire, will be your best shield. Approach situations with these three in mind, that you are not trying to attack, you are not trying to prove them wrong, but you are simply trying to show your love to sometimes the most blind kid.

Language is everything. And how we choose to phrase our expressions will have the biggest effect.

The same thing goes for relationships.

Often, we respond just for the sake of responding. However, to be the bigger person, we must listen to what our partner is not saying. It may be helpful to reflect on the traumas that they have gone through and what they are speaking of when you argue. By truly listening to them, their colors can paint a canvas of emotions in front of you, which can help you understand why they react the way they do. They may not openly tell you why they are behaving a certain way, but by observing their triggers, reactions, and words, you can see a small child who got fed up with something, and now their anger unleashes onto you.

So really listen, and don’t take things personally. Because 99% of the time, it wasn’t you.